


Standing in the wake of devastation

by casey_sms (shinygreenwords), shinygreenwords



Category: American Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, The Social Network RPF
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Drama, F/M, M/M, Moving On, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-19
Updated: 2011-06-19
Packaged: 2017-10-20 13:29:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/213276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/casey_sms, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/shinygreenwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>She can’t even say it’s a surprise.</i> Andrew/Shannon breakup fic in which she tries to find the balance between sadness and the strength to move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Standing in the wake of devastation

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [](http://pidgeoned.livejournal.com/profile)[**pidgeoned**](http://pidgeoned.livejournal.com)'s awesome fic [this side of the blue](http://pidgeoned.livejournal.com/10421.html). I love both couples in the pairings so I hope no one takes this as a bashing of any sort. In this 'verse because I like no infidelity, Jesse is single okay? Thanks to [](http://slasher48.livejournal.com/profile)[**slasher48**](http://slasher48.livejournal.com/) for her encouragement and love  <3 Title from “Iridescent” by Linkin Park but I actually started it after reading the aforementioned fic and listening to “The Calendar” by Panic! At the Disco. I wanted a fic in which Shannon breaks up with Andrew because he can’t/doesn’t know how to do it. This is totally meant to be hopeful and not depressing hence the title.

  
She can’t even say it’s a surprise. She saw it coming. She knew what it was like. It used to be her. She can feel his hand, steady at her back, his smile turning on her, his brown eyes staring into hers – that was Andrew falling in love.

Except this time it isn’t her.

It hurts less than she thought it would. It makes her wonder if she’s been holding back for a while now. Maybe she didn’t even know it herself. (It will hurt when it happens and she knows that whatever she does, she cannot avoid it.)

She’s not a masochist, she’s just a girl who fell in love. Just a girl who is watching her best friend drift apart from her. She still feels like a little girl sometimes. The one who wants to dance in the rain and smile at the sun.

When Andrew spots Jesse in the crowd, he instantly gravitates towards him. He tugs at Shannon’s hand and she follows.

It’s just a few seconds, nothing more.

It’s everything.

(Andrew has momentarily forgotten her. All Andrew can see is Jesse and Jesse’s smile is white and bright and it is beautiful.)

In her mind, she can see them falling in love like those people in movies. She knows all about making it look believable. Love at first sight is made for the screen but not for real life. It’s that mythical thing that rarely happens to anyone (except if it did, of course it would be Andrew).

When (and not if), there will come a day _when_ ‘they’ no longer means Andrew and her. They make a beautiful love story.

She does not stop it.

She introduces herself to Jesse, sticking out a hand. “Hi Jesse, I’m Shannon.”

“Andrew’s girlfriend,” Jesse adds for her. “I’ve heard many things about you. You look amazing tonight. It’s nice to meet you.” Jesse’s voice is pleasant, she just knows he’d be a brilliant voice actor.

“Me too,” Shannon says, feeling a grin stretch across her face.

“All good things I hope,” Jesse says with a self-deprecating duck of the head.

She can see why Andrew likes him so much. Jesse is sweet. He’s achingly self-aware and honest. He has a wicked sense of humor and he’s intelligent. There’s nothing about him that she doesn’t like.

(Yet. Maybe. If.)

Andrew is smiling at them both.

(It is she who feels guilty.)

*

He loves her, she knows. He wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it.

Andrew loves so easily. She loves that about him. His heart is open to the world.

She is the one who is reserved. She is the one who guards herself jealously. She is the one who fears being left behind.

(It took her the longest time to say the words “I love you” for the first time. It was much easier to say “me too.” Love has always been complicated for her and she cannot say the words unless she is sure, more than sure. Andrew was never bothered by it because his love is the same. He does not have qualifications and strings attached to love because for him, love just _is_.)

She holds him tightly, more tightly than is needed.

“Are you okay?” He asks, turning to look at her. It's dark, he cannot see her face and she is glad.

“Yes,” she says before dropping her face into his neck. He smells like his cologne with the faintest hint of musky sweat.

She knows he would never cheat on her. He would rather be with her than cheat on her. He is a good guy.

She feels like from the moment she met him, she’d known then that if it ever came down to it, she would be the one to leave him. (Maybe it would be his fame, maybe it would be her insecurities, maybe he would meet someone else, maybe she would meet someone else. The end result would be the same but it is always her that walks away.)

(She is not a good girl. She is the one who wants to hold him back because she wants him to herself.)

*

He was hers first.

Of course this doesn’t change anything. It’s not a rule and people change.

And if she feels like she’s at the summit and gotten the flag snatched out of her hand then it’s between herself and her bad metaphors. (She tries not to think bitterly that Jesse, Jesse the playwright in the making, would be able to say it so much better.)

It’s not fair.

*

Her greatest fear is that he will resent her.

(She doesn’t think he knows. Not really. He’s in love with Jesse. It’s only a matter of time.)

*

Shannon wishes, just a little, that she could hate Jesse. But how can she? He is adorably awkward. Even when he is anxious, he tries to make light of it. He’s smart and intelligent and many ways, he reminds her of Andrew. He’s the type of guy no one can hate.

She knows she could love Jesse. Curly hair, blue eyes. His skin pale against hers, Andrew on her other side. They are all tangled together, a mess of limbs not knowing where one ends and lovers begin.

(It’s getting all mixed up, the want and the having. The lost and found. The love and resentment. It hurts and then it’s beautifully numb.)

*

She could be Jesse. She knows what it is like to love Andrew after all. To smile when you see him.

(She doesn’t want to be herself on those days. She can’t see how it’ll work out for her.)

*

The collision is inevitable.

“I’m sorry, I can cancel. Jesse will understand,” Andrew says, stumbling over his words.

“It’s alright,” she says, leaning against the doorway, watching her boyfriend get flustered. Because it is. It’s just once. (It doesn’t mean he is choosing Jesse over her.)

“I’ll make it up to you-”

“Go,” she pushes him playfully.

“Are you sure?” he asks again, crowding her for a kiss.

“You’ll be late,” she says quietly against his lips.

She misses Andrew already.

*

Sometimes she feels like the mistress.

And it hurts and it makes her mad and she’s _jealous._

She never wanted to be that girl, the clingy and annoying girlfriend.

(She tries so hard not to compare. The thought still sneaks its way into her consciousness and more and more she finds herself lacking, her confidence crumbling. It’s no one’s fault. It’s her fault-)

She never thought she’d find someone she’d want to spend the rest of her life with.

She thought it would be easier if she went into everything without expectations. This way, you don’t get disappointed.

She was wrong.

(Love changes everything. It makes the smell of air feel brand new. It is the feel of excitement when you open a present. It is the race of a pulse, skin on skin and pleasure sparking up your spine-)

*

She hasn’t seen him for weeks and when she does see him, he hasn’t changed. His shoulders are broader and he looks good. He always has. His smile is the same.

“Hey, I wasn’t expecting you to come,” he says with a hesitant smile. He bites his lip and his eyes are anguished. He is clearly torn.

(She will not be the one to make him choose – she chooses first.)

“We need to talk,” she says, when he can’t say the words, can’t find anything else to say. Then she does it, reaching inside herself to find the strength to do the most selfless thing she’s had to do.

*

“You deserve better,” he will say.

She will agree, knowing that it’s true but she still can’t help wanting and wishing that she could have everything.

*

She knows she’ll be fine. It’s childish but all she can think is _it’s not fair._ She just lost her boyfriend and her best friend. He has someone else.

Three years they were together.

It should be her.

He offers to help, of course. It’s just hard to be around him.

(He is sorry even though he doesn’t have to be. He is the perfect ex-boyfriend as he was the perfect boyfriend. Shannon can’t imagine otherwise.)

It’s not fair but that’s life, her mother says, rubbing her back as she cries.

*

Andrew keeps calling. She can tell he’s torn between being worried about her and being happy with all the great things that are happening in his life.

(He deserves to be happy and she doesn’t begrudge him that one bit. There’s no easy way to do it and being next to her will bring him down. He cannot bring her up.)

“I’m fine,” she says, tiredly.

“No, you’re not,” he says. “I know you. This is my fault.”

“It’s not,” she says rather abruptly. They’ve been over this. “I will be,” she says, in a gentler tone. “I just need some time okay?”

“Whatever you need,” he says earnestly.

It makes her heart skip a beat and she falls in love with him all over again.

And reality crashes down.

*

She wants to rage at the world. She wants to call him up and be angry. Mostly she wants to cry on his shoulder and have him tell her that everything is going to be okay. She wants to be able to fall and have someone catch her.

But you don’t always get what you want. She knows what she needs and she will get it – just not today.

(She has to keep going because she’s a grown up and that’s what you learn in high school, no one cares about your broken heart. What you learn when you’re acting is that people don’t stop acting. You can’t let people know the real you because then they will tear you down. It’s easier to let them criticize the ‘you’ that you make.

Hollywood is a lonely place.)

*

Shannon knows she’d do it all over again. She just wishes that doing the right thing wouldn’t feel so shitty.

(It scares her that if she had to choose again, she is afraid she wouldn’t do the right thing. She is not always a good person.)

*

Her eyes have that red tinge of when people really cry. Not the type of crying on television, the perfect lone tear spilling down. It’s the type of crying that takes your whole body and leaves you feeling like you’ve battled an illness. The type of crying that leaves you breathless and heaving, trying not to cry and only succeeding in crying harder.

“Aww hon, let’s make you beautiful,” the make-up assistant says.

Shannon knows that the assistant means nothing by it but all she can think is _I wasn’t beautiful enough_ and she bursts into tears. She tunes out the comfort because she needs to take a grip on herself. She takes a few shuddering breaths, hot tears still running down her face. She apologizes because it’s unprofessional and awkward.

(It’s human, he would say in a completely understanding tone. But he’s not here.)

She smiles at her reflection, her eyes are still red.

*

She does miss him but she was whole before she met him and she will be herself again. Right now holding onto the pieces is hard enough. She has to survive. She will. It’ll just take time.

“How are you today?” the grocer says, a perfunctory question.

“Good,” she says. (It’s positive reinforcement.)

*

When she puts everything in a box, all their photos and mementos, she cries again. They were good together. It’s hard to look at it and think of it in the past tense. No matter what it’ll never be the same as letting it go makes her heart hurt. She can barely breathe from the aftermath of the tears but she feels a little better.

(She can be happy by herself, she knows that. It’s just been a while since she’s had to be alone.)

*

She wakes up and smiles at the mirror, chipping away at the brittle edges bit by bit.

*

She’s a good actor. Not as good as Andrew but she knows she is good.

Some days, she still doesn’t want people to ask. Doesn’t want to step out of the house. Doesn’t want to face the world alone.

She makes herself get out of bed. She does up her face and calls up her agent.

The show must go on.  


  


>  _There is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends  
>  And I meant everything I said that night  
> I will come back to life_ \- “The Calendar” by Panic! At the Disco


End file.
